Devil, the fear of you in me sends a chill down my spine. I'm sick of feeling your claws work their evil deeds through my hands. When I speak I can feel your hot, poisonous breath pour out through my mouth. With my eyes you see this world. With my brain you plot to bring to it destruction. With my hands you steal, and murder. With my body you hide, like a coward, and you keep yourself guarded. You use me as a scapegoat. I use you as an excuse for the thoughts you put into my head. Devil, you will leave. Devil, you will lose this war. Devil, give up. I don't want to die just yet, Devil.

"And the best way to stay on top is to step on someone else to get there"

God is irrelevant. (No, you don’t have to believe in him to read this)

In the course of my life I have had the keen ability to talk out the simple answers to some of the most complicated questions in our existence. I used to think I was just crazy talking to myself, but when I consoled a priest about how I could better myself he told me that I should try talking to God, and that he is right beside me when no one was there. I pondered on statement and I started to think of the reason behind it. If I was talking to God, then was he in my brain creating replies as well? While the priest’s advice was helpful in it’s intention, but it was a practice that I had been performing all my life. I do not think of myself as a religious man, and I do not try to force people to believe in a higher power, but I do think that behind all existence, there is room to believe in fate.

Over the course of the last year, I have written a series of 15 theorems. Now while I do not think I will ultimately stop there, I do believe that it has come time to prove what I preach. It falls into the accordance of the scientific method and it serves as the next step forward in my self-fulfilling prophecy. It seemed only natural that research would come after theory, and it seemed only right apply the title “Study” to my entries.

So, after the new year, I will begin studies 1-15. I will research events that can prove what I know, and in that research I will either confirm or deny my claim. I do not know if I will be a solid 15-0, but a 12-3 would be a nice record to start out with. Until I begin, however, I still have a few more revisits to work out. I would like to be prepared for what’s coming.

Call me a sinner, call me a saint.
~NP~

I don't think I could ever be unfaithful to my wife. I can't think of an emotion or a thought that would drive me to that. Come to think of it, I couldn't be unfaithful to my girlfriend either. Even if I wasn't feeling it or it hadn't been for very long, that's just one boundary I don't see myself crossing. I feel awful for people that have to experience that, and I would hate to be the reason for the despair they must feel. I don't understand why someone would ruin something so special with someone. I mean break it off or something and then give them some time. Have decency at least. What happened to decency in this world? I'm starting to believe it doesn't exist anymore. I'm even a bit of an indecent person actually. Heck, what happened to me?

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I'm sooooo glad to be rid of you.
Now I just have to get rid of some more bad people in life.
2010 should be an interesting year to say the least.

Normally i write to relieve my problems. But i dont have any problems right now.
so i guess this is a general update?
Winter break has been lovely. On Christmas day i got this beautiful laptop i'm typing on at the moment, a bunch of money, and, from my gorgeous boyfriend; front row tickets to see Chicago at the Phil.
Which is what Tyler and I did tonight.
[:

rough demo, there's more guitar, piano, and possibly mandolin parts comin when I get it recordeddd.

and lol @ the related videos

I don't want to write about the same old things anymore. I want to finally have something new to talk about, instead of the same old crap that keeps occurring in my life. This last year has been a lot of new feelings over and over and over again. I'm about ready to feel something radically different again.

This year I.... 

Switched High Schools... twice
Met best friends
Met and managed to keep my best friend, Alana 
Left best friends
Learned to Love new friends
Learned how to say goodbye again
Learned how to be an only child
Got cheated on
Met someone I could have kept
Moved countries
Learned what the word "lonely" ment 
Learned how to adapt
Learned the true meaning of "fake" and tried it on for a couple weeks
Realized how much I love some people
Realized how much some people mean to me
Realized how much I've changed
Realized how much I want to change
and realized how much I'm willing to change

its been an eventful, stressful, exhausting year and I stand by my motto for this entire year :
"I am gonna make it through this year if it kills me"
Toughest year of my life. 
I'm glad its over

quick update
read harry potter: the deathly hollows.
cried a few times. it was, by far, one of the best books i've read.
better than twilight. i really recommend it.
still in new york.
the snows gone thanks to the rain.
hopefully it'll snow tonight so tomorrow we can go tubing.
got a shit load of stuff for christmas.
i love my family so much.
but i'm kinda excited to go home to see friends and padre.
it's almost the new year and i can't wait to leave this one behind.
every thing's going good, no complaints.

 

& did I forget how much I miss this?
Because it is an immeasureable amount.

Because honestly, I have nothing to write anymore.
I just read, because it's where I can see how the guarded people actually feel, people that I barely know, what they're going through, and people who just won't quit whining, or just people that are going through what I've been through. When your parents tell you something it's probably they learned through experience. Because that's what life is, it's just experiences toppling over each other to make you feel and think and love and teach. My heart has been through a lot, but in the long run I'm glad I went through it I'm glad I can say I have fell in love and I still love. The saddest I see at work is those couples that are 70 years old looking so young and happy like it's their first date, I feel my generation will never be able to attain that. Enough with my rambling, I just want to say life is hard, when someone treats you like dirt you need to muster enough strength to leave them, when someone is boring you need to reflect and see if you're worth and if you can better it, and when you're lonely end up in a church somehow because you'll always leave feeling light and free and loved. The countless times I fall to my knees because I felt alone and miserable I felt changed, it's at that point there's only one set of footprints. 2010 is coming fast, I wonder what will happen. Because at this point I have no clue.

i cant help but eat shitty around the holidays. ew.